We are hard by Margaret Atwood
We are hard by Margaret Atwood
1:08 am - ramblings
what i’ve started to realize these last couple of weeks is that it takes so much more effort to remain true to yourself and what you want to be about each and every day. it’s so easy to fall off the wagon and just spiral down into someone you don’t want to be, through that you have a tendency to lose sight of your goals and stunt your personal growth.
I try to focus on me and what i want to be and how i want my life to blossom. i need personal growth, but most of all i need be able to handle the obstacles thrown in my way. i need to be okay with losing. i need to be okay with being vulnerable. i need to be stronger for myself. i just need to forget about you, but most of all i need to put my ego aside and just remain humble and be okay with the fact that i let myself completely open to you. i was vulnerable and i was honest, and what comes along with that is this feeling of inadequacy and shame. i can’t help how i feel, but it is what it is and all i can really do to move forward is to purge it out onto words someway somehow, even if it’s messy.
i’ve lost myself these last couple of weeks. i’ve lost track of what’s important to me and what i really want for myself, instead i’ve focused all my energy on you and trying to dance around what i’ve been feeling for you, but i’m okay now. i know now what i need to be and who i should be putting my energy and love to. i really do feel pathetic and ashamed for all of this, if i’ve told anyone else no one would probably understand how or why i would feel so saddened by such a trivial little thing, but so it goes. i am who i am and my inner workings are the way they are for whatever reason. i will deal with it, i’ll cope someway somehow like i always do. i’ll be okay eventually as time passes by. i’ll turn these feelings into words and through that i will heal. i will cling to what is good and i will pour my love to myself and to the few who have always been there for me. someday you’ll just be a blemish of evidence in a time when i decided to take a chance on someone, but failed. you’re a risk i took in a moment of courage. i tried my best and i failed and i will keep making mistakes and i will continue to have short comings and i need to learn to be okay with all of it, i need to learn to be okay with unrequited love. i need to stop believing in people so easily and i need to stop letting pretty little words get the best of me. i need to learn to be happy alone, i need to rely on no one but myself. from now on i’ll lay low and keep fighting the good fight in a silent fervor.
A new book argues that the emotion happens in “micro-moments of positivity resonance.”
do you ever stop and realize that people probably discuss you from time to time when you aren’t around to witness it
not even in a specifically positive or negative way just like
people mention you, or think of you, you occur to people sometimes
thats the most unnerving thing that i can think of, thats so weird, that i exist to people when im not even interacting with them
okay it’s been awhile since i’ve done this, but if you’d like a mix cd please let me know. give me any kind of theme or overall feel you’d want the mix to be and i’ll try and do so. give me your name and address as well please?
12:01 am - ramblings
sometimes i have no control of how i perceive a person, once i find someone lovely it’s usually all down hill from there. i tend to build them up, these feelings just keep building up and it turns into an upheaval of misplaced emotions and unrequited love that just deflates me. it turns into this overly dramatic thing that i can’t help but feel shit about, because i feel like such a bad person for feeling the way i feel. the worst part of it all? i have no one to confide in when these feelings well up inside me, i want to find answers, but i don’t know where to start and sometimes i feel like i’m running around in circles trying to garner some semblance of luck that can be the spark to turning my life around so i can stop giving myself to a person i built up in my head. i keep telling myself i won’t let my emotions get the best of me, i won’t let me guard down, i won’t let myself be vulnerable to someone who could possibly let me down, yet i do it anyways thinking this time it’d be different. this time i thought it’d be different, but unfortunately it wasn’t, she wasn’t. it takes time for me to get over things, it takes time for me learn and move on, but i’ll move on. i just need to focus on me and the good in me and good things will happen. focus on being good and being better everyday. i won’t let this pain go to waste, i have to learn from it someway somehow. maybe this is the spark after all. maybe you were the spark after all. it had to be you.
(Source: , via shoepastryheart-deactivated2014)
would like to have a fake girlfriend for valentines day only, strictly for company. no hanky panky, just maybe a hug or two will do and someone to laugh with. i just want to have dinner, go to the natural history museum, have a nice honest and meaningful conversation, perhaps drive around and listen to some good music. holler at me.
I am forming the most wonderful relationships here in New York and I’m realizing how I am no longer dependent on the people back home who didn’t actually give a damn about my little life. I’ve never really expressed this publicly, but frankly I think I try awfully hard to be the best person I can be. For the past several years I’ve made such an effort to be there for all my friends no matter what the cost to myself. I cared about each and every person I was close with throughout high school tremendously. I still do care. Friends who never supported me, who never returned my favors: I still wish only the best for you. But there’s relief in knowing that I can happily give up the ghost.
This past month has been one of the most transformative of my life. I have realized that I’m capable of doing remarkable things. I have met remarkable people. I wake up every morning knowing that I have the capacity to make changes in my life on my own time and knowing that I have control over my own mentality. Thank you, friends — even those of you who didn’t stick around, but especially those who did. For the first time, I am coming to terms with the value of my own life.
I just wanted to share that with all of you.
amen to the second paragraph.
if you’ve got 6 minutes to spare, i promise it’s worth your while.
— Dave Eggers. (via rocksfalling)
tired of this life - dawn landes
Sometimes you’re 23 and standing in the kitchen of your house making breakfast and brewing coffee and listening to music that for some reason is really getting to your heart. You’re just standing there thinking about going to work and picking up your dry cleaning. And also more exciting things like books you’re reading and trips you plan on taking and relationships that are springing into existence. Or fading from your memory, which is far less exciting. And suddenly you just don’t feel at home in your skin or in your house and you just want home but “Mom’s” probably wouldn’t feel like home anymore either. There used to be the comfort of a number in your phone and ears that listened everyday and arms that were never for anyone else. But just to calm you down when you started feeling trapped in a five-minute period where nostalgia is too much and thoughts of this person you are feel foreign. When you realize that you’ll never be this young again but this is the first time you’ve ever been this old. When you can’t remember how you got from sixteen to here and all the same feel like sixteen is just as much of a stranger to you now. The song is over. The coffee’s done. You’re going to breath in and out. You’re going to be fine in about five minutes.