“Everything can be used as an invitation to meditation. A smile, a face in the subway, the sight of a small flower growing in the crack of cement pavement, a fall of rich cloth in a shop window, the way the sun lights up flower pots on a windowsill. Be alert for any sign of beauty or grace. Offer up every joy, be awake at all moments, to “the news that is always arriving out of silence.” Slowly, you will become a master of your own bliss, a chemist of your own joy, with all sorts of remedies always at hand to elevate, cheer, illuminate, and inspire your every breath and movement.”
“Oscar Wilde said that if you know what you want to be, then you inevitably become it - that is your punishment, but if you never know, then you can be anything. There is a truth to that. We are not nouns, we are verbs. I am not a thing - an actor, a writer - I am a person who does things - I write, I act - and I never know what I am going to do next. I think you can be imprisoned if you think of yourself as a noun.”
most nights when the day is done and i’m back in the comfort of my bed alone with my thoughts, i wonder about certain people and my life in general. most of the time i feel an ache to purge them out into words on here, someway somehow. i usually think about things that are deep and overly sentimental. things i would never have the guts to say out loud to anyone or even myself. things that i know eat me up, but i know that deep down no one else would understand no matter what. maybe that’s the pessimist in me, but that’s how i feel at times. i want so much to understand myself, but i think i’m just too weird and my mind wanders too much. my thoughts come and go, but one thing that is almost certain with my personality is that i easily fall for people. not in a romantic sense, but enamored with them and the idea of learning about who they really are and wanting to create memories with them and just making them feel genuinely loved. i think at the root of it all i just want to be indispensable to someone just as much as they are to me. and i know it’s inconsiderate of me to assume that people don’t try to reciprocate the love i give them perhaps in a different way or form, and trust me i’ve put thought into it. unfortunately i can’t help but feel like i’m the one constantly chasing people and maybe it was flawed from the beginning, but that’s the only way i’ve only known how to show people i genuinely want to know them. it’s such a scary world when you know how easily you can lose the ones who are important to you, perhaps that’s where it all stems from. being an overly aware and sentimental person who doesn’t forget, i can only take so many punches. i’m getting better at moving on, but i carry all my failures and short comings with me. i’m not necessarily breaking walls down, i’m simply trying to learn to get around it and be happy at the same time if that makes sense at all. god damn does anyone else think the way i do? i’m such a strange strange man.
“Your memory is a monster; you forget - it doesn’t. It simply files things away. It keeps things for you, or hides things from you - and summons them to your recall with a will of its own. You think you have a memory; but it has you!”
i have to keep quiet. no more chasing. i need to let it go and move on, i can’t keep hoping that at some point you’ll come around and take notice of me. reality can be brutal, but that’s life. i just have to find solace in the fact that i gave it my best and that i took a risk. granted i failed, but i know in time i’ll learn to be okay with it. i just need to constantly remind myself to not let it get the best of me, even though loneliness and crippling self doubt has a way of creepin’ up on me in the wee hours of the night when i’m alone with my thoughts. perhaps because i’m sensitive and i feel things too easily, eh whatever, to each his own. i’ll keep to myself from now on and i’ll deal with my demons cautiously as i try to move forward. no one to blame but myself.
“Cautiously, I allowed
myself to feel good
I found moments of
peace in cheap
just staring at the
knobs of some
or listening to the
rain in the
The less I needed
the better I