12:54 am - ramblings
the wee hours of the night always has a way of digging through the thoughts i’ve been working so hard to evade. sometimes it’s still a bit overwhelming to think of how quickly things can change. it’s scary how my life and the people in it can change in a blink of an eye. this time last year - things were very different, but then again looking into the past has it’s sour moments and downfalls when you’re trying to live your life in the moment. also reminiscing into the past can leave a bittersweet taste because it all comes to you all at once and you miss everything and everyone, like a person with amnesia suddenly going through a catharsis of his true identity. we all want to be free, yet we also want to be in control of certain things. i guess it’s just a matter of picking the lesser of two evils. freedom is erratic, it’s unpredictable, while on the other hand being always in control means no change, dull and always stagnant. i want both, sometimes i want freedom and spontaneity, but sometimes i just want to be able to control who stays in my life and i want to grab hold of the people that matter to me and never let them go, but it’s really not up to us. some people are meant for others things. our paths may cross, but life is meant to be lived and with that comes constant changes. if there’s one thing i’ve learned as i’ve gotten older, is that it’s harder and harder to be a dreamer as you get older. the older we get the better we are at masking our secrets and it gives a false sense of idea that we are coping with our buried insecurities with such grace. it’s a facade we live through until we find someone worth pouring hearts to and i don’t have to tell you how huge of a gamble that is on its own. i know what i want, but i don’t know if it exists. am i getting closer? am i getting farther away? it comes and goes, but i’ll keep going. wherever that may be.
